Why we do what we hate, and how to stop

A partner is fault-finding, a manager mocks you, and for years you put up with it, even though you feel you shouldn't. And you ask yourself why — but find no answer.

Most often this is linked to your closest childhood relationships. As you grew, you became sensitive to certain feelings: a critical father made you sensitive to criticism; a self-absorbed mother made you sensitive to neglect. As a child you had only three ways to cope: follow the rules, withdraw, or be aggressive.

The problem arises when the adults around you unintentionally trigger these old mechanisms. Your hurt inner “child” withdraws again, tries to be good, or gets angry. And you endure it, telling yourself: “If I do everything right, the other will stop.” But this is a childlike way of thinking — a “Groundhog Day”.

What helps break the cycle

Don't try to “do better” — become more flexible. Do the opposite of your habit: if you tend to withdraw, come closer; if you're used to getting angry, calm down and use the anger as information about your needs.

When you notice emotions flooding you, tell yourself: “This is my old experience switching on the child in me. I'm an adult and I can handle this as an adult.” Step by step, in small situations, you'll “rewrite” your patterns — and old hurts will lose their power over your life.